Sources Tell Us Fetterman's Been Hiding A Kuato Under His Hoodie This Entire Time
Sources Tell Us Fetterman's Been Hiding A Kuato Under His Hoodie This Entire Time
This makes sense considering all the fumbling of words. Kuatos can be controlling, especially when that close to the brain.
Philadelphia, PA — A source close to the Fetterman administration has come clean about what he’s been hiding behind the hood of the recently elected senator. The senator-elect has apparently been smuggling his very own Kuato behind his neck.
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This makes sense considering all the fumbling of words. Kuatos can be controlling, especially when that close to the brain. You see, his brain is in contention with what his Kuato wants to convey. So sometimes it’s Fetterman who’s talking, and other times it is some weird amalgamation of the two.
Kuato wants full control
We predict that eventually, the Kuato will want full control over Fetterman’s body and will, in turn, hide its Fetterman behind the hoodie of the sweatshirt that it, the Kuato, will be wearing. This will allow the Kuato not to have to stay in hiding and pretend to be something that it’s not, which by the way, is exactly why we think Kuato chose a Democrat.
Where did his Kuato come from?
What are Kuatos?
Very little is known about the entity known only as Kuato. Are they some kind of parasitic alien species from another world hell-bent on our destruction, or just a strange mutation found only on our planet? Although elusive, the Kuato has been seen in modern history. We have video evidence.
The Fetterman/Kuato Origin Story
How did Fetterman end up with a massive Kuato on the back of his neck? Our insider tells us that one night, as mayor of Braddock, PA, while “cleaning up the streets,” the senator-elect was just about to take a drag off a crack pipe he found in the street and suddenly saw a bright light in the sky that began to hover over him, the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a pool of his own vomit feeling strange.
Over the next several weeks, Mr. Fetterman’s Kuato began to emerge slowly. First, it was a blinking eyeball. Then a tiny little arm started to protrude. Soon a little face emerged. Finally, 3 months after initial contact, the full Kuato had revealed itself. This shocked and scared Fetterman to the point of trying to hide it in any way he could. For example, sometimes he wears a fruity little ascot like Mr. Ferley; other times, he’s got his big ole Carhartt hoodie and a neck scarf.
Although the Kuato seemed docile, it eventually started grasping for more and more power over Fetterman’s consciousness as well as his physical body, said our source. This battle for power could be easily seen in the Oz vs. Fetterman debate, where it was clear that Fetterman was against fracking, but Kuato needed to make it very clear, several times, that it was for fracking. If you remember, at the beginning of the debate, Fetterman didn’t want to be there. His Kuato opened with “Hi,” and Fetterman immediately responded with, “Good night, everybody!” The two were clearly at odds with one another.
Can the Kuato be surgically removed?
Our source told us that although Fetterman made many trips to the doctor. They were unsuccessful in removing the Kuato due to the nature of the coupling that the Kuato undertook in order to attach itself to the senator-elect. It was deemed any attempt to remove the being would result in Fetterman’s immediate death. This is the REAL reason Fetterman wouldn’t release his medical records.
Vote Kuato 2024
Shockingly, our source told us that there are rumors that the Kuato wants to fully take over Mr. Fetterman’s consciousness and eventually run for president in 2024. Our clown researchers were unable to vet this claim.
If you know something, please reach out.
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Here at Clown Pilled News, we want to know more about Fetterman’s Kuato and its intentions. Where did it come from? Why is it here? Why did it choose John Fetterman? What are its plans?
We’ll be back with more in-depth — Kuato-related — articles as this story and Fetterman’s condition progresses. Maybe at some point, we’ll be able to get an interview with the entity itself.
In the meantime, we want to hear from you:
* It’s Satire, Stupid! 🤡