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The Clown News Network Is Ramping Up Coverage
The Clown News Network has ramped up its war coverage now that Russia's war on Ukraine has been in full gear for several days now.
Atlanta, GA (Clown Pilled News) - The Clown News Network has ramped up its war coverage now that Russia's war on Ukraine has been in full gear for several days now. The network's uncanny ability to feed data to unintelligent viewers is a godsend in today's technical and frankly over-saturated world of big data. Follow the data, whatever that means.
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Americans don't have time to collect, parse, bucket, cut in half, double, split, realign, normalize, or denormalize the data. Honestly, we're not even sure what half of those technical terms mean let alone how to perform said operations. Good thing we have "competent" news organizations that are obviously WAY smarter than us simple-minded viewers, to handle the hard stuff like reading and counting.
Another great advantage to these networks providing this information, instead of viewers doing research and learning, is that the viewers don't know what to fear or how to fear. It's the job of the mainstream media to do the heavy lifting of fear-mongering. As simpletons with no skills or ability to comprehend world events, people need organizations like the Clown News Network to simplify fear. Give us a gauge or a simple dial. Remember the good old days of the Homeland Security Advisory System?
Should we be in fear or not, that's the real question that only the mainstream media can answer, and whatever you do, never ever trust your own feelings or intuition because more than likely it's wrong. Just ask one of the head clowns over at the Clown News Network, Bryan Seltzer. Fun fact, he got that name because he likes to ride around on a unicycle and spray seltzer into people's faces. Bryan's seltzer. I think he's trying to bottle it and shill for cash.
With the State of the Honk address happening tomorrow, there will for sure be plenty of discussion around the topic of nukes. Make sure you tune into the Clown News Network because mindless consumers of media, like you the reader, need a solid understanding of the following:
Nuke death counts
Countries with nukes
Who has nuclear footballs
Who has nuclear soccer balls
Who has nuclear baseballs
How do nukes feel when they hit you?
Who do you call when you see a nuke?
Where do nukes live?
How many nukes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
UPDATE 3:02 AM: We have acquired shocking footage from a Russian nuclear testing facility showing the total destruction and annihilation that can be the result of a Russian nuke.
* It's Satire Stupid! 🤡
Now Lets Learn The Story Behind the Satire
Here at Clown Pilled News, we like to watch all of the news channels so that you don't have to (but you probably should because we make fake news). This includes the really shitty ones like CNN or as we like to call it the Clown News Network. During one of these sessions this weekend, we wondered what it would be like if CNN (masters of death counters and fear-mongering) were to do the same but for nukes. All Putin had to mention was nukes, and all of the sudden fear-porn hustlers and shills latched on like hungry little babies.
All this fear-porn being peddled in the mainstream media is getting sickening. Trust us, we're not just picking on CNN. Fox has been just as guilty and so has every other outlet.
I get it, there's some bad shit going down in Ukraine right now but damn, it's like the Super Bowl for every single 24-hour news network. Let up a little. Maybe pepper in some stories about the US Trucker Convoy, or how all of the sudden Covid just up and vanished like a fart in the wind.
Which reminds us:
By the way, how fucking true is that meme?
Just remember, it's all about the money. It could be aliens, disease, war, it doesn't matter. The mainstream media will be vying for your eyeballs and clicks until their very last dying breath. We are the product, and that is why we wrote this article.
- Bobo out