Suburban Mom Surprised At How Much One Thousand Dollars Gets You In 2022
Most days, she's chasing children around the house, changing diapers or wiping asses, and constantly removing crayons from Dillon Jr's nose.
South Park, CO - Denise Shepherdson is a busy mom. Most days, she's chasing children around the house, changing diapers or wiping asses, and constantly removing crayons from Dillon Jr's nose. She wanted to find a way to keep the kids busy and tire them out to have some quality time to herself.
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"I feel like I deal in shit all day long, and I don't mean that figuratively. I'm talking literal shit. For example, I change little Suzi's diaper more than I care to admit; she shit's her pants about five times a day yet eats like a bird. We're potty training Dillon, and I swear that boy drops a mud patty like 5 or 6 times, just in the morning, and sometimes he misses the bowl. How do you miss the bowl, pooping? So I'm constantly wiping his ass. And then, to top it all off, our dog Sparky shits on the floor, and more often than not, I step in it. This SHIT never ends," said a frustrated Denise during our interview.
That's why when Denise was reading through a mom's group on Fakebook last week and saw that a bunch of moms were raving about getting a bouncy house for the backyard. This was perfect, she thought excitedly. She'd throw that thing in the backyard, and the kids would jump on it for hours, wear themselves out, nap a little longer, and give her just a little bit of 'me time'.
Being the frugal woman that she is, Denise took to her favorite online mega-site, Amazon, searching for a good quality (she didn't want this thing popping day one) but a somewhat affordable priced bouncy house. After searching for hours reading reviews, she ended up finding one that looked perfect. People were raving about it even though the price was a little steep. Honestly, she'd pay $10k to get some peace and quiet, which made the one thousand dollar price tag a little easier to swallow. As long as it would keep the kids entertained and tire them out, she was Gucci.
So Denise ordered the "Bouncehouse Pro," and according to the website, it would be delivered within a few days. This was perfect. She could suck it up for a few more days. Gotta love that modern-day digital supply chain.
Each day, Denise waited with anticipation as if she were one of the kids who would get to play in the magical castle.
Finally, on day three, she got the alert that her package had arrived. She was so excited. She ran to the front door, looked out, and much to her surprise; the box seemed pretty small. Maybe it was compacted down because it wasn't inflated, she thought. She brought the box into the house and grabbed her favorite box opener, a steak knife from the counter, and carved that bitch up.
That's when she had the surprise of her life...
At first confused, Denise slowly put her hand into that box and pulled out a tiny, what looked like, miniature but fully inflated bounce house with a handwritten note inside that read.
Thank you for your order. Due to supply chain issues, we have had to cut costs and provide a slightly smaller product in order to maintain the quality that our customers deserve during these unprecedented times of higher than normal inflation.
We refer to this as shrinkflation and are honestly sorry for the inconvenience.
If you can, please leave us a 5 star review. Let's Go Brandon!
The CCP Toy Company
Denise was crushed, and it was as if Mike Tyson showed up and punched her right in the gut. Defeated and demoralized, she dropped the box and slowly went back to her prison of shitty ass wiping.
Later that day, Sparky was seen in the backyard chewing the bouncy house to shreds.
Let's go, Brandon!
* It's Satire Stupid! 🤡
Now Lets Learn The Story Behind the Satire
This one's personal.
I thought it would be fitting to rip on Biden's absurdly self-inflicted (more than likely he doesn't even know it's happening) inflation crisis and then match that with the irritation I have with Amazon as of late, along with my disdain of the murdering of small businesses in America. Plus, I wanted to bring awareness that stay-at-home moms have a never-ending 24/7 HARD fucking job.
Now my rant about Amazon:
I'll be the first to admit it, I love and hate Amazon. There's nothing better than to be able to order a brand new 55" HDTV at 3 AM on a Saturday and have it delivered to your porch by 8 AM that morning. This is the future, and that shit's cool.
What's not cool is when Amazon FUCKS YOU! They FUCK YOU with the delivery. In the famous words by the great Joe Pesci, "They fuck you in the drive-thru!"
Amazon is the drive-thru, and anywhere else is the counter.
How does Amazon fuck you? Returns are nowhere near as easy as clicking a button and buying something.
Here's how it works:
You go to your order history and click to do a return.
You then have to repackage it. Hopefully, you didn't destroy the original box, or god forbid you tossed the packing peanuts that came with it. Old used socks make great padding.
Then you got to print a return label. Oh wait, I just realized. I don't own a goddamn printer because it's not 1996.
Then you need to find a way to send it back. One option, Amazon has a bunch of drop boxes all over the place. Most are in some seedy neighborhood where a guy is waiting to murder you for your $5 worth of returned index cards. Another option is to take it to a FedEx store. Don't get me started on FedEx stores. If there were words describing a place for lazy people with no sense of urgency in life, I would call that place hell. But I would also dub that place FedEx, or maybe the DMV.
I know. I know. First-world problems, right? I guarantee there's some son-of-a-bitch bean counter in a room somewhere calculating the return rates based on prior customer history and [insert math lingo here]. In other words, they know that there's some probability that you're just not going to return the item; therefore, they don't give a shit if people are scamming through their site unless enough people complain.
This is my way of complaining.
Why am I so salty? With talk of world war three and whatnot, I decided to buy a survival backpack with all the tools needed to survive. It had a shovel, a sweet little hatchet, a fire starting kit, and a medical kit. It looked pretty badass, and from the pictures, it all fit in a nice backpack that looked similar to any other backpack a high school kid would take to school. Red Dawn bitches!
When it arrived, the package looked pretty small. And when I opened it, it was the size of a backpack that Mini-me or maybe a mouse would use to run away from home.
The shovel looked to be the size of a large serving spoon, and the hatchet could double as a baby carrot chopper. It was like they made it for Lilliputians, and somehow I got a hold of some parallel universe Amazon but only for the ultra-tiny.
So I decided to keep it just in case I get a visitor that's about twelve inches tall.
And this is why I decided to write this article.
- Bobo out!