San Fransickos Burn Pyre Of Russian Dressing In A Brave And Virtuous Display Of Solidarity

From the bay, the night was dark, but the city's light was about to become brighter. All roads leading to the famous park were in total gridlock. Teslas, as far as the eye could see...

San Fransickos Burn Pyre Of Russian Dressing In A Brave And Virtuous Display Of Solidarity

San Francisco, CA - Mouths salivating and beady eyes red with hate as the mob descended upon Golden Gate Park, dressing in tow with little care for the massive piles of human feces and crack pipes they stomped into the ground. The local vagrant population screamed in terror as the blood-sucking vampires trampled and destroyed what little possessions they had left in the tent city that they called home. Now a state landmark, known locally as Equity Park, this place has become the site where the chosen ones have decided to "take their stance" in solidarity against Russia.

From the bay, the night was dark, but the city's light was about to become brighter. All roads leading to the famous park were in total gridlock. Teslas, as far as the eye could see. Those who couldn't park got out of their car, popped the bonnet, and filled their carts with as many bottles of Russian dressing that they could hold. They'd come from miles to watch it burn. The great purge was upon them.

Their leader, @TheVirtuousOne (TikTok), was named Braiden Lucy Bilderberg-Wolf (it/they). A self-proclaimed non-binary, straight-black, trans-furry lesbian that also happened to be a differently-abled little person with over 2 million followers. This was its chance to take a stand and use its platform for good.

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The amorphous blob oozed its way towards the park, where it would purge this world of the evil dressing. Yelling and tossing bottles, the mob began dancing and circling the spot as if it were starting some new kind of woke religious ceremony.

At first, only a tiny pile appeared, and it then grew to a somewhat medium-sized mound. After about fifteen minutes of furious swearing, throwing, and spitting profanities, the masked mobsters yelled, "All hail Pelosi! Virtuous! All hail Biden! Virtuous!" over and over until the final bottles flew and a mountain of dressing stood before them. The homeless drooled, longing for a taste.

With its little arm raised in the air, their leader shouted muffled words of hate and virtue as the crowd cheered for themselves and simultaneously jeered towards the condiment mountain. The little leader grabbed a rag-covered incendiary, almost falling over from the weight of the average-sized stick. One of its minions lit the torch. A circle of liberals danced around the mountain, pouring $9/gal gasoline, "All hail Pelosi," and the little thing raised its little arm and yelled in its tiny little voice, "hashtag defend Ukraine," and dropped the torch to the pyre.

Whoof! In an instant, the glow of the city grew a little bit brighter that night, and so did the little leader's TikTok follower count.

The delicious aroma of a spicy yet tangy and a mildly sweet smell filled the air. The city by the bay had a lot to celebrate. They had purged all traces of the evil dressing from their virtuous, equitable, inclusive, and gloriously brave city.

All hail Pelosi!

Epilogue

After the fire died down and the last of the virtue had receded. All that remained was a vacuous hole where a beautiful park once stood. Within it, a tent city flattened and covered in shit, now contained nothing but empty dressing bottles and pure garbage. On a nearby park bench, a heroin addict nods off in a pool of his own drool, eyes closing on an image of a garbage-covered park in the middle of what used to be one of the greatest cities in America.

Let's go, Brandon!

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