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Moist Towelett Claims The Russians Set Him Up
The highly anticipated series finale of the Moist Towelette trial has finally come to a close and critics are astounded at how the drama wrapped up in the courtroom.
Chicago, IL - The highly anticipated series finale of the Moist Towelette trial has finally come to a close and critics are astounded at how the drama wrapped up in the courtroom.
10/10 says Megacritic
"A tour de farce," says Rotten Turdmatoes, 98% FRESH!
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The defendant in the case of the City of Chicago vs. Moist Towelett raged out in court, monologuing about how Russia and Putin are behind the scandal and that 'It was all a setup.'
After the judge laid out his sentence, the agitated Towelett was allowed the final word; this is what was said:
“Russia set me up,” Towellett yelled! He then reiterated the declaration again but louder.
“The Russians did it,” he said. “I am innocent, and I am not suicidal. I will not tear open my packet. I promise.”
“If I did this, then it means that I stuck my fist in the fears of other Moist Towelletts in this country for over 30 years and the fears of the Finger Food community,” he said in an increasingly agitated and forceful tone.
“Look, your honor, I respect you, and I respect the jury, but I did not do this. I did not try to open my packet and let all the wonderful juicy moistness out. And I am not suicidal. And if anything happens to me when I go in there, I did not do it to myself, and you must all know that. If they try to open me up and pull out one of my wet inner towels. It wasn't me. I respect you, your honor, and I respect your decision. Jail time? Russia set me up.”
Mr. Towellett was convicted by a jury of his peers in December 2021 for staging a fake anti-moist towel attack against himself in January 2019 and then lying to the police in the aftermath of the "incident." He claimed that multiple red hat-wearing MTGA (Make Towels Great Again) followers attacked him and tried to open his package. This is a fear that many moist towelettes have because everyone knows that a dried-out moist towelette is useless.
Some believe that the attack was a false flag staged by Vice Presidential candidate Karmella Harris. Who at the time had a significant stake in a moist towelette conglomerate that was trying to land a large contract with the City of Chicago.
* It's Satire Stupid! 🤡
Now Lets Learn The Story Behind the Satire
It is our opinion that Jussie Smollett is a self absorbed disgustingly narcissistic Hollywood piece of garbage. A person so into himself that the mere smell of his own farts probably fuels his ego to the point of pure nirvana.
What this lose did, not only single handedly fueled a non-existent racial divide in this country but caused countless people to think he was a victim. All for what? For pity? To give him more name recognition? To make him more loved and adored by the public. If you read the transcript of what the judge said to him, you'll see that it was brilliantly worded and a well deserved sick burn.
He tried to pull the wool over the eyes of our country, and it didn't work. I'll go out on a limb here and say that what he did could also be perceived as a good thing. Why? Because he further exposed the fake media, the president, the vice president, and every other race peddling grifter out there, to those who didn't already see through the bullshit that is Black Lives Matter.
So we thought about how we could burn this dude. He already got shredded by the judge. Then we thought about his name and how Chappelle called him Juicy Smouliet and it made us think of moist towelettes. Juicy, moist, Smollett, Towellette. It's a stretch but that's satire for you. Then we thought, what is the worst thing that could happen to a moist towelette? Drying out. A moist towelette hate crime would be if it was allowed to dry out.
In addition, there's a lot of Russia hate going on right now. Don't get it twisted, we're not fans of commies and shit countries like Russia, but we find it pretty convenient that all the problems in America right now suddenly happen to be the fault of Russia. Just ask Brandon, if you're a liberal, and you make bad choices, it wasn't him. At the end of Juicy's sentencing he goes on this rant about how he's not suicidal and how if anything happens to him it wasn't him. This dude is clearly nuts. So we had Moist Towellett blame it on the Russians.
Therefore, Juicy is going to need a lot of moist towelettes in the slammer, and that is why we wrote this satire.
- Bobo out!