Biden Administration Hints At An "Assault Hands" Ban In Response To Recent Subway Shovings

"We went to a subway station, and it was practically a killing field. I heard endless stories of innocent victims being shoved in front of trains by deadly 'Assault Hands'. This is unacceptable!"

Former Vice-President Biden showing reporters that hands can kill. He’s seeking a full ban on what he calls “Assault Hands” on subway platforms throughout the United States.

Washington, D.C. — During yesterday’s daily press briefing, Secretary of Gas Lighting Karine Jean-Pierre suggested that the former Vice-President believes the country needs a tough “Assault Hands” bill in response to recent violent subway shovings in the Big Apple.

Earlier that day, Biden held a press conference addressing the sudden uptick in subway shovings, which has led to multiple deaths and a recent attempted-murder charge. During his speech, the former Vice-President held up his hands and declared them to be Deadly Weapons of Mass Destruction not protected by any amendment to the constitution.

An excerpt from his speech:

“Last week, we visited New York City. You know. The Big Apple, jack. We went to a subway station, and it was practically a killing field. I heard endless stories of innocent victims being shoved in front of trains by deadly assault hands. C’mon man, I don't want to see another arm with a hand anywhere near an american subway platform,” said former Vice-President Biden.

He also had this to say:

“For so many of you at home, I want to be very clear: This is not about taking away anyone’s hands.  It’s about vili- — not about vilifying ham [sic] — hand owners.  In fact, we believe we should be treating responsible hand owners as an example of how every hand owner should behave.  I respect the culture and the tradition and the concerns of lawful hand owners.”

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Earlier in the week, Biden was allegedly photographed meeting with Governor Hochul and New York City Mayor Eric Adams to address the violence.

Hochul can be seen trying to restrain Biden from shoving her with his deadly assault hands.

Hochul, Adams, and Biden meeting to address assault hands violence. Biden can be seen showing Adams how easy it is to assault someone using one’s hands.

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The Clown Pilled News team hit the streets of New York to find out what the citizens of the Big Apple think about this new initiative.

Isn’t it already illegal to murder someone? - Unnamed Resident

How the hell am I going to pay to ride the subway? - Wall Street Broker

Are we supposed to hide our hands? Will we need a license to use our hands? I’m so confused. - Queens Bodega Owner

Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to ban guns. Oh wait. - Long Island Resident

Tell me something I don’t know - Mike Tyson

🤡 It’s Satire, Stupid!