After A Long Weekend In A Hyperbaric Chamber And Drinking Baby Tiger Blood, Biden's Ready For His Two Hour Standing Ovation
After A Long Weekend In A Hyperbaric Chamber And Drinking Baby Tiger Blood, Biden's Ready For His Two Hour Standing Ovation
This past weekend, the President of the United States of America was reported to have spent the entire weekend sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber while drinking the blood of a young baby tiger.
Washington D.C. - This past weekend, the President of the United States of America was reported to have spent the entire weekend sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber while drinking the blood of a young baby tiger. Although the treatment was only available to the ultra-wealthy, it didn't appear to have as strong an effect as the administration expected.
Although the event was supposed to start at 9:00 PM EST, the leader was nowhere to be found. Supposedly he was late to the stage because Jen Psaki had to reportedly slam a shot of adrenaline directly into his heart to wake the President up before tonight's State of the Honk address.
We acquired a transcript of the event:
PASAKI
I've never does this before.
KAMALA
I've never done this before either,
and I ain't starting now. You
brought 'em here, that means you
give him the shot. The day I bring
an old motherfucker to your place,
then I gotta give him the shot.
PASAKI
Okay, what do I do?
KAMALA
Well, you're giving him an
injection of adrenalin straight to
his heart. But he's got a breast
plate in front of his heart, so you
gotta pierce through that. So what
you gotta do is bring the needle
down in a stabbing motion.
(Kamala demonstrated a stabbing motion, which looks like "The
Shape" killing its victims in "HALLOWEEN.")
PASAKI
I gotta stab him?
KAMALA
If you want the needle to pierce
through to his heart, you gotta
stab him hard. Then once you do,
push down on the plunger.
PASAKI
What happens after that?
KAMALA
I'm curious about that myself.
PASAKI
This ain't no fuckin' joke girl!
KAMALA
He's supposed to come out of it
like --
(snaps her fingers)
-- that.
PASAKI
Count to three.
KAMALA
One...
KAMALA
...two...
KAMALA
...three!
Shortly after he awakened, and just minutes before he appeared, the leader of the free world was reportedly seen moonwalking, popping Modafinil, and snorting Adderall in final preparation for tonight's address.
Sources close to the administration said that Biden was pumped and totally ready to stand for two hours while the party praises the President and basks in his glory.
When Biden finally arrived, he could be seen skipping, doing cartwheels, and high-fiving his way up to the podium. After that, he pulled out an M60 and blasted it at the ceiling in a display of solidarity for Ukraine.
"Hello," said the commander in chief. Instantly half the room stood and broke out into a clapping roar of admiration, which lasted two hours.
Two hours later...
"Thank you," said the esteemed leader as the speech came to a close.
Biden's handlers suddenly rushed the stage and escorted the former Vice President out of the room and back to Delaware for his weeklong recovery session.
This was going to be an amazing speech! Unfortunately, he only said 'Hello' everyone clapped for two hours and he said 'Thank you' and walked away. - Biden Super Fan
Fans were saddened that they didn't get to hear their leader speak anything of substance.
* It's Satire Stupid! 🤡
Now Lets Learn The Story Behind the Satire
Have you ever watched a State of the Union before? We've watched many. Is it just us, or are they all the same? Half a room full of partisan hacks stands and applauds for their leader, while the other half sits and crosses their arms. Then the President says a sentence, and everyone claps. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. For TWO HOURS! I think I'd rather watch grass grow while reading poems and listing to lectures on gender studies.
I wonder if there has ever been a State of the Union that didn't suck? Has a President ever gone up in front of the country and said anything of substance that wasn't either lies and promises or promises of lies? We're not sure, so we had to make fun of the whole absurd thing.
Aside from rare drama like Nanci Poolosi ripping up Trump's speech, these speeches are trash and do nothing more than give slimy politicians an excuse to pat each other on their hairy partisan little backs.
Hopefully, every time you watch a State of the Union in the future, you will think of this article and the absurdity which is our Clown World.
Therefore, we think that State of the Union speeches are a parody of themselves, and that is why we wrote this article.
- Bobo out!